½ûÂþÌìÌÃ

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around,
scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

KIDS ; DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM???:D

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage, Tomato and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you." "I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F*** him. Give him a fiver." She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea"

Ronnie wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Ronnie sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Ronnie looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Ronnie ask "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed,

"Leave me alone, you TART, I'm married!

[QUOTE=Fraser]A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around,
scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."[/QUOTE]

[url]http://www.pagetutor.com/jokebreak/028.html[/url] (Bottom of page.)

...

[QUOTE=tuscanhills]It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage, Tomato and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you." "I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F*** him. Give him a fiver." She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea"[/QUOTE]

[url]http://astonvilla.blogfootball.com/BlackCountryVilla/2005/11/30[/url] (And others.)

...

....not my source Sanch, but I can imagine that these things go around like wildfire :o

[QUOTE=tuscanhills]A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."[/QUOTE]

[url]http://www.astramate.com/chuckle.htm[/url] (middle of page).

...

[quote=tuscanhills]....not my source Sanch, but I can imagine that these things go around like wildfire :o[/quote]

Ditto.

You must be having a quiet day of Googling my gags is your only diversion!?!?!?

After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Milan scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than
1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Milanese, in the weeks that followed, Tuscan
scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines in La Stampa newspapers read: "Tuscan archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the Milanese."

One week later, Puglian newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5000 meters in the Gargano bog, Puglian scientists have found
absolutely nothing. They, therefore, have concluded that 5000 years ago,
Puglia 's inhabitants were already using wireless technology."

HEAVEN is where:
The police are British
The chefs ½ûÂþÌìÌÃ
The mechanics are German
The lovers are French
and it's all organised by the Swiss

HELL is where:
The police are German
The chefs are British
The mechanics are French
The lovers are Swiss
and it's all organised by the ½ûÂþÌìÌÃs!!

Five Englishmen in an Quattro arrive at the ½ûÂþÌìÌà border. * The ½ûÂþÌìÌà customer agent stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro." * "What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen. *

"Quattro means four," replies the ½ûÂþÌìÌà official. * "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman says, not believing what he is hearing. * "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."

"You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the ½ûÂþÌìÌà customs agent. *"Quattro means four. * You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin'a the law". * The Englishman replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over We want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds the ½ûÂþÌìÌà official, "he can'ta come". *"He's a busy with two guys in a Uno". *

Received this from a friend - thought you might like it

CHRISTMAS ITALIAN STYLE

Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

When what to my
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!

Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!
Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.
"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"
Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"

What makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while "Hard work" and "Knowledge" will get you close, and "Attitude" will get you there, it's the "Bullshit" and "Ass kissing" that will put you over the top.

(Try finding that one, Sanch ;))

found it....lmao

[url]http://www.vegsource.com/talk/humor/messages/7298.html[/url]

[QUOTE=tuscanhills]What makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while "Hard work" and "Knowledge" will get you close, and "Attitude" will get you there, it's the "Bullshit" and "Ass kissing" that will put you over the top.

(Try finding that one, Sanch ;))[/QUOTE]

[url]http://dinosjournal.wordpress.com/2006/10/03/asskissing-is-better-than-hardwork-2/[/url] or
[url]http://forums.whirlpool.net.au/forum-replies-archive.cfm/617310.html[/url] (and many others)

which took me one minute and seven seconds.

...

But you get four more percent if you kiss a*** spelt UK Eng :)

[QUOTE=Relaxed]But you get four more percent if you kiss a*** spelt UK Eng :)[/QUOTE]

[B]Got to be better than USA Eng.
[/B]

[IMG]http://img76.imageshack.us/img76/3930/laughingsmileyqj9.gif[/IMG]

A virile, young ½ûÂþÌìÌà gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. * Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love. *

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?" * She paused for a second, frowned, and replied,"No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the lovemaking resumed. * This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. * The love making ends, and again, the young man smiles, And again he asks, "You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to out last him, the young man reaches for the woman again. * Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. * The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. * Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No! I Norwegian

[QUOTE=turtle]A virile, young ½ûÂþÌìÌà gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. * Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love. *

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?" * She paused for a second, frowned, and replied,"No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the lovemaking resumed. * This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. * The love making ends, and again, the young man smiles, And again he asks, "You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to out last him, the young man reaches for the woman again. * Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. * The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. * Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No! I Norwegian[/QUOTE]

[url]http://www.italian-link.com/pages/italianjokes.shtml[/url] (= 14 seconds)

...

You are all such competitive male spoilsports! Some crackin' jokes though.

I was only trying for the odd giggle....the rest comes as a special treat, no added cost :D

Two snowmen in a field one snowman says to the other snowman "can you smell carrots"

[QUOTE=Forza Milano]Two snowmen in a field one snowman says to the other snowman "can you smell carrots"[/QUOTE]

Can you run this one past me again please!!! Remember this is turtle!!! Is this translated from ½ûÂþÌìÌÃ??? If so the ½ûÂþÌìÌà version might make sense

no its an english joke. what do snowmen usually have as noses in winter. carrots! so ones asking the other if he can smell carotts because there noses are made outta carotts! explaining it takes the edge off it tho or is it yorkshire humour?

Thanks Forza

no problem pal. u get it?

[QUOTE=Forza Milano]no problem pal. u get it?[/QUOTE]

Sure thick as I am not that thicK!!!

[url]http://italian.about.com/library/weekly/aa120600g.htm[/url] Enjoy!!!

Please adopt a suitable 'accent' to enjoy this fully! ;)

[B]‘RAT’S ‘N COFFEE’[/B]
A CUSTOMER COMPLAINT

A COMPANY IN GERMANY ORDERED A SHIPMENT OF COFFEE FROM A BRITISH FIRM, AND WHILE THE COFFEE WAS ON ROUTE A FEW BAGS SPLIT OPEN, MAKING IT POSSIBLE FOR RATS TO NEST IN THEM.
THE GERMAN FIRM SENT THE FOLLOWING LETTER TO THEIR SUPPLIERS…..

SCHENTELMANS,
DER LASTTWO PECKETCHES VE GOT FROM YOU OF COFFEE VAS MIT RATTSCHIDT GEMIXT.

DER COFFEE MAY BE GUTE ENUFF, BUT DER RATT DURDS SHBOILS DER TRADE.

VE DID NOT SEE DER RATSHIDT IN DER ZAMPLE WHICH YOU SEND US.

IT TAKES SO MUCH TIME TO PIK DER RATT DURDS FROM DER COFFEE DAT IT’S HARDLY WURT IT.

VE ORDER DER COFFEE CLEAN UND YOU SCHIPT SCHID MIXED MIT IT.

IT VAS MISTAKE JA? VE LIKE YOU TO SCHIP US DER COFFEE IN VUN SACK, UND DER RATTSCHIDT IN ANNUDER……DEN VE MIX IT TO SUIT DER CUSTOMER.

WRITE BLESE IF VE SHOULD KEEP DER SCHIDT UND SCHIP DER COFFEE BEK…….OR SCHIP DER WHOLE SCHIDDEN WORKS BEK.

VE VANT TO DO RIGHT IN DIS MADDER, BUT VE DON’T LIKE ALL DIS RATTSCHIDT BIZNESS.

MITT MUCH RESPECTS…..

[SIZE="1"]‘CB’ March 2001[/SIZE]

A man takes his family out for a chinese meal. The family give their order to the waiter. After several minutes have passed the waiter returns and places several dishes on the table. Just as the father goes to lift the lid on the dishes one of the lids lifts up on its own. In the darkness of the pot a pair of eyes can be seen looking from side to side. The lid closes, the man looks astonished at his family, then again the lid lifts slowly and again the eyes are seen scaning side to side the lid closes again . Shocked he calls the waiter over to explain what he has seen. The waiter tells him no worry is just peeking duck!

At least this didn't happen, Chris

[INDENT][I]How do you get a fat girl in to bed[/I]?
Piece of cake ;)[/INDENT]

Here's another

[url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27LYFw6Pyvo]This is a prank caller....aged 8[/url] who wants her school destroyed :o

[LEFT][quote=tuscanhills]Here's another

[URL="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27LYFw6Pyvo"]This is a prank caller....aged 8[/URL] who wants her school destroyed :o[/quote]

Dubliners!! :rolleyes: Bleedin thugs!

:)
[/LEFT]

I've got one, I've got one....

"Two Irishmen leave a pub..... wait, that can't be right..."

:)

[LEFT]
DUBLIN PUB GUIDE
****

SYMPTOM: Pint appears to be crystal clear...
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him/her.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognise anyone, don't even recognise the room you're in.
FAULT: Don't panic - you've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they've any free pints anyhow.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest pet dog, complain about how house training has "gone to the dogs nowadays".

SYMPTOM: Pint appears unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You've fallen over backwards.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar counter.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains fag-ends.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tastes tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to loo, practise in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurry.
FAULT: You're looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another pub/party

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed, have yez no homes to go to
ACTION: Confirm home address with barman, grab taxi home.

SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on a table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear though.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: That lager is too weak.
ACTION: Have more drink until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Ugly woman/man in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up dosage immediately.

SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You've been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.

SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands.
FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.

SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It's too late, you made complete arsehole of self.
[/LEFT]

[LEFT]
I like this one. This was a genuine letter sent to The Irish Times, July 2004....

[I]Sir/Madam,[/I]
[I]I was visiting your beautiful country when my country, Greece, fought its way into the European cup final by bravely defeating the favoured Czech Republic. On the following day, Friday, July 2nd, I travelled from Cork to Rosslare.[/I]
[I]Imagine my surprise and delight to find that almost the entire route especially between the towns of Youghal and New Ross - was gloriously festooned with the blue and white colours of Greece![/I]
[I]Such overwhelming support of one small country for another brought tears of joy to my eyes. I wish to express my heartfelt gratitude to the Irish people for making this Greek feel so at home at such an important time for his country. - Yours, etc.,[/I]
[I]MANOLIS ANDROPOULOS, Athens, Greece.[/I]

Waterford (blue & white), the area he pased through, were playing in the 2004 Munster hurling final that weekend. :)

[/LEFT]

Really great jokes Derek. I apologise for this one, taken from Jonathon Ross tonight on TV.

What is green and goes scouting??? - A Brussel scout.

I've had my fill of Christmas cracker jokes to last a life time! Get your thinking caps on and let's have some more GOOD jokes. Friday or Wednesday jokes, I'm not bothered.

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the
VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring

He replies "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's [I]nothing[/I] you could
say or ask that I would find offensive.

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can d o about that:
No.1 - you [U]have[/U] to be single and No.2 - you [U]must[/U] be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next lay-by."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that
would make even a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned.
I lied and I [I]must[/I] confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun smiles and says,
"Oh that's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a [I]Fancy Dress Part[/I]y."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last week, we took some friends out to a popular restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was rather impressed. I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?"

"See," he continued," by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[QUOTE=Carole B]A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the
VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring

He replies "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's [I]nothing[/I] you could
say or ask that I would find offensive.

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can d o about that:
No.1 - you [U]have[/U] to be single and No.2 - you [U]must[/U] be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next lay-by."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that
would make even a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned.
I lied and I [I]must[/I] confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun smiles and says,
"Oh that's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a [I]Fancy Dress Part[/I]y."[/QUOTE]

[url]http://www.geekgirl.com.au/geekgirl/027fans/snitchcity.shtml[/url] and others (582 results in 0.51 seconds). Do some people actually [B][I]ask[/I][/B] to be emailed a "joke" every week ? :o

...

[QUOTE=Sancho the Fat][url]http://www.geekgirl.com.au/geekgirl/027fans/snitchcity.shtml[/url] and others (582 results in 0.51 seconds). Do some people actually [B][I]ask[/I][/B] to be emailed a "joke" every week ? :o

...[/QUOTE]

OK – I’m impressed. You can find almost any joke that anyone tells ‘somewhere’ on the net. I’m not quite sure [I]why[/I] you feel the need to do so, but if it amuses you to see how quickly you can prove that a joke is not an original, then so be it. Just enjoy your obvious talent.

I don’t think I know any [I]original[/I] jokes, only those that friends send me on the net, and unlike you I wouldn’t know where to start doing the ‘rapid searches’ that you are so adept at. But do carry on, just don’t keep all the jokes you find to yourself – share a little happiness with people who enjoy a laugh and find that where it comes from is far less important than the laughter it may generate!

Oh and while we’re here Sancho, please allow me to take this opportunity of wishing you a very Peaceful and Prosperous New Year, and may 2007 see you conducting many successful searches on the Internet.

The queen is visiting a male ward in a hospital, the visit is going well and her entourage and flunkies are smugly pleased with the progress. Horrified :eek: they see that a patient is pleasuring himself. They try to divert the queens attention by pointing out some painting on the wall. The queen as vigilant as allways as allready seen the man. Her develish sense of humour gets the better of her and she blurts out whats that man doing over there? The leader of the tour a senior professor of the hospital explains,'' the man produces excesive sperm and must do this 6 times a day for medical reasons'' The queen smiles and the tour continues. As they turn the corner into another ward they see a nurse giving 'oral' service to a male patient. She turns to the profesor with raised eyebrows and waits for another medical explanation. He tells her ''oh it's just the same as the other man only this ones with BUPA!''

Sancho the Fat, some people think they have the right way to tell 'em, but how long will it take you to get this one?

What do you find in an ½ûÂþÌìÌà forest?

Bigotry!

Come off it you two: (Sanch and Carole). A joke is a joke (and most of mine come from the Beano, circa 1958).

But I really liked cockney girl's "spoon" joke, and thanks to ItalyMag for giving me that giggle: it would honestly not have occurred to me to search google or whatever for a joke using "spoon" and "penis" as search terms....but once you have read the joke it is a piece of piss to find it. (If some words in this post come out with asterisks, they probably should have read "p*ss" as in "take the p*ss"...) Happy New Year :)

[QUOTE=Karina Walderson]Sancho the Fat, some people think they have the right way to tell 'em, but how long will it take you to get this one?

What do you find in an ½ûÂþÌìÌà forest?

Bigotry![/QUOTE]

No comment. These two are better: [url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzazJqOV_Eg[/url]

...

One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself.

And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pocket of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that ever good!"

She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?"

Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swing, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"

Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Lord God!" "Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

[QUOTE=Sancho the Fat]No comment. These two are better: [url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzazJqOV_Eg[/url]

...[/QUOTE]
Now that [B][I]IS[/I][/B] funny...thank you! :D

If only they (Pete and Dud) were still around...:(

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