��������

Pregnancy Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pres sure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel ! and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1.. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of y our jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors .
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

I got this joke at least five years ago from Canada and found it amusing, like did my �������� friends. It's also good humorous excample of easy to happen misunderstandings between two languages.

PUBLISHERS NOTICE: THIS IS NO WAY ANY KIND OF OFFENCE TO OUR ITALIAN FRIENDS (just be sure!) :) :) :) :)

THE ITALIAN WHO WENT TO DETROIT

(Must be read in �������� accent)

One day Ima gonna Detroit to bigga hotel. Inna morning I go down to breakfast.
I tella the waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She bringa me only one piss. I tella
her I wanna two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand.
I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you
sonna ma bitch.

Later I got out to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress bringa me a spoon and
knife , but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tells me everyone wanna fock.
I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better no
fock onna table . You sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I calla the
manager and tell him I wanna shit. He tell me go to the toilet. I say you no under-
stand. I wanna shit onna the bed. He say better no shit onna the bed, you sonna
ma bitch.

I go to the check out and the man at the desk say “peace to you”, I say piss onna
you too, you sonna ma bitch. I gonna go back to Italy.

panteric that is hilarious - and I can testify that such misunderstandings do happen

Panteric's contribution made me think of this, which I believe was cooked up by a couple of German reporters and published in Die Welt as a spoof:

The European Union commissioners have announced the agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling has some room for improvement as has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, the "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

It has nothing to do with Italy but it does help in comiserating with ��������s and others who express frustration with our inconsistent English spelling. I am a very poor linguist but I think my spelling in �������� might actually be better than it is in English.

[QUOTE=sdoj]Nothing to do with Italy but Panteric's contribution made me think of this, which I believe was cooked up by a couple of German reporters and published in Die Welt as a spoof:

The European Union commissioners have announced the agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling has some room for improvement as has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, the "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.[/QUOTE]

Ai'v noted sam kaind ov sarcasm in iour post, sdoi, bat ai realli dont anderstend uers d problem uid di niu spelling: it meiks oll mor simpl.
dont iu tink so?

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency, duration and credit limit of spending spree.

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by
reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how
you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women.
Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size,
decreases intelligence and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ,
resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and
the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as,
"You make me want to be a better person ..... Can we get naked now?"

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary or phone number.

A N T I - T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

DEMOCRATIC

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICANISM

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Hopes this is still within the rules..... no offence, as usual! :)

Onions and Christmas Trees

A family is at the dinner table The son asks his
father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three
kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are
like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still
nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like
onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
"Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man
goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is
like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties,
it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration
only!

i give up....

it there any way to make you people non-sarcastic, non-ironic, non-cynic, god-fearing, non-swearing, church-going citizens of this forum??? :rolleyes:

After all that's what naughty kids at th back of the class are like, right?

A guy goes to zoo, but there was only one animal there, a dog...... yeah it was a shitzu.

Loved the joke Aliena, keep 'em coming it's great practise with the ��������.

A man stops to change a flat tyre in Liverpool. He's just got the car jacked up and is removing the wheel when a man runs out of a nearby house and proceeds to open the bonnet (hood). "Oi, what do you think you're doing?" says the man. "Well mate, if you're 'aving the tyres, I'm 'aving the battery".

A miserly deceased man left instructions in his Last Will and Testament that he's to be buried with all his money. His wife being faithful to the last wrote him a cheque and placed it in the coffin.

A couple from the country come up to London for the day. Whilst in Knightsbridge they come across a very up market pet shop. They noticed a very unusual cat in a cage in the shop window and a notice saying 'For Sale - Rare Amsterdam Cat'. Being cat lovers, they went into the shop to see how much it cost. On entering the shop, the wife turned to the shopkeeper and said, "How Dutch is that moggie in the window".

[QUOTE=Aliena]A Jew, a Hindu and a scouser all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings.. there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in.. free of charge.

They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd sleep inthe barn. The Hindu and the scouser were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew.

"I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it." "No problem," said the Hindu. "I'll sleep out there instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the scouser and the Jew to share the room.

They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."

The scouser grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room. The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door.

It was the cow and the pig..

:) :)[/QUOTE]

No apologies to anyone. I live there so I'm entitled to post;)

What do you call a scouser in a 4 bedroom house? A burglar.

What do you call a scouser wearing a suit a shirt and a tie? The defendent.

Fairy Liquid washing up advert - scouse style. Little boy to his mother washing dishes in the sink. "Mam, mam, why are your hands so soft?" Mother: "'Cos I'm only 14!"

[QUOTE=Aliena]Like 'ell you live there.. you're a posh cow.. ain't you got net curtains and one of dem extension fings on dur bak of yer house? Oi lar.. wots "apologise" and where can yer nick it from?

:) :)[/QUOTE]

Excuse me Aliena;)

Us 'Wooly Backs' may favour net curtains.

What's wrong with a pristine clean net curtain? Or a polished front step, come to that?

And to say that I've got a 'fing' on dur bak of me house, is just not true. It's called a 'lavvie', however I do have a 'back jigger' with a garage and Clarke is hiding out there. You think I'm joking? Wrong. (It) just turned up one night. It had no shoes, no support. Aliena? What could I do? (You must phone me and advise, I have the feeling that the 14 Albanians that turned up may be a problem too).

As a semi un-educated person, I'm afraid that net curtains are considered a definative fashion statement amongst the twin-set, pearls and zimmer frame Wirral set. And let me just remind you that we are in the envious position of eating kippers for supper every evening! Think about that huh?

On the Wirral we all shop at Beatties for 'Apolgies'. They come in several different flavours and sizes.

The most expensive would be of course Gran Sasso.

The least expensive would be Piccollo Sasso.

What more can I say?

Any one want to advise:eek:

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why", they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he replied, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer".

Berlusconi, durante un giorno di riposo, passeggia per le vie di Roma con la moglie Veronica, quando si sofferma davanti a una vetrina e le
Berlusconi dice: "Veronica, amore mio, guarda qua. Pantaloni 20 Euro. Camicia 17 Euro. Giubbotto in pelle 55 Euro... Vedi? E poi parlano di rincari per via dell' Euro! Ma quali rincari! Quale crisi?".
E Veronica: "Tesoro, questo non è un negozio di abbigliamento, è una lavanderia". (Mauroemme) :eek:

It has been pointed out to me recently that if you sit at your computer and lift your right leg from the floor, then make clockwise circles with your right foot... should you then "draw" the number 6 in the air with your right hand... Your foot changes direction...
Although, I can't think how the person who came up with this realised what was happening, I bet they were a student...:eek:

A male student. My foot still goes round in a clockwise circle when I draw a 6 in the air.

Which just goes to prove that women can do two things and once while men can't;- )

[QUOTE=Susan P]A male student. My foot still goes round in a clockwise circle when I draw a 6 in the air.

Which just goes to prove that women can do two things and once while men can't;- )[/QUOTE]

Women can do three or four things at once, but their foot normally changes direction... fascinating.

[QUOTE=paula hampson]Berlusconi, durante un giorno di riposo, passeggia per le vie di Roma con la moglie Veronica, quando si sofferma davanti a una vetrina e le
Berlusconi dice: "Veronica, amore mio, guarda qua. Pantaloni 20 Euro. Camicia 17 Euro. Giubbotto in pelle 55 Euro... Vedi? E poi parlano di rincari per via dell' Euro! Ma quali rincari! Quale crisi?".
E Veronica: "Tesoro, questo non è un negozio di abbigliamento, è una lavanderia". (Mauroemme) :eek:[/QUOTE]

Good joke Paula. Fits in nicely with my EU Parliament thread:rolleyes:

Here's one:

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal'. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan'. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan you've seen Ahmal."

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand-to-mouth on my disability benefit, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother!"

The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so handsome, the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eeri moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most gorgeous, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered.........

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

[QUOTE=Susan P]Excuse me Aliena;)

Us 'Wooly Backs' may favour net curtains.[/QUOTE]

As a Wooly Back - what's your view on people going out shopping and drinking in their pajamas?

In explanation to non-scousers - this seems to be a popular form of dress in certain parts of the 'Pool'